The Happiness Chronicles: Cleaning Out Your Friendship Closet (Hater Be-Gone Edition)

What is friendship? It has been said that a friend is one of the most precious gifts we are to receive here on earth. Mr. Oxford defines friendship (noun) as

1. the state of being a friend; association as friends; 2. a friendly relation or intimacy; 3. friendly feeling or disposition.

This concise definition of friendship means one thing: Oxford has never had a friend. Unlike the institution of marriage (I Heart America),anyone who has enjoyed (and endured) the company of a friend knows that friendship is not concise, easy, simple, or even definable. Psychologists argue that friendship is integral to healthy self development. Even religious folk speak the gospel of friendship and the importance of turning the other cheek and the Golden Rule and an eye for an eye and hate those who are not like thee. Well, maybe not the last one. Nevertheless, whether it be the careless days of the sandbox, the shady days of high school, or the Baracking days of the 21st century (the first eight years don't count), friendship and our need for it has existed since the beginning of time (circa 1985 A.D.).

What is a friend?

We all have our own working definition:

"some nigga that makes me laugh and keeps it real and doesn't lie and shit."

--Dre aka random dude standing outside the gym who I assumed wouldn't give me the aforementioned answer. I should know better...not to speak to athletes.

(J/k...I'm an athlete. Yes, dancers are athletes, no matter what my junior high gym teacher says.)

Dre's definition aside, it is important to keep our own definition in mind when embarking upon new friendships and in maintaining old friendships.

Last week I shared my plan for life in 2009, number one on my list being that I will maintain my happiness at all costs.

Let's go back to the future for a moment.

Picture it: Sicily , 1942. My twelfth grade speech course with one Mrs. Wingfield.

I was instructed to decide my worth. Many of my classmates put dollar amounts on themselves. I didn't agree with this interpretation of the assignment because it proved conflicting with that whole 400 years of slavery thing I got going for me. So, I told Mrs. W that I didn't want to complete the assignment. Mrs. W said she didn't want me not to graduate. So, I compromised and, unbeknownst to myself at the time, I wrote a little blurb that I now use when I begin relationships with new people, places, and things:

"I am expensive meaning that I am not without ambition, goals, focus, and energy. I demand life and nothing less, so if you (yes, you!) are not bettering me in any of the aforementioned areas, why, then, should we waste each other's time? I care not to judge other peoples' paths in life, but I refuse to let anyone, anything, any event or situation sully a dream that rightfully belongs to me. This life is mine for the living."




Now, don't get me wrong, I don't recite this word for word every time I begin a new relationship (that would be crazy and exhausting), but I make sure to visit it from time to time so that it's present in my dealings with my friends and might-be friends. I remember the parentals telling me that "you are who you hang with." To some extent, this is true. I believe in energy and the exchange of it. When you surround yourself with positive and progressive people, you, too, enjoy the fruits of this exchange. Likewise, when you surround yourself with negative people, you slowly unravel, your productivity and light diminish. Therefore, it is always good to do an inventory of your friendships when reassessing your life. And in the spirit of New Year's Resolutions, the top of the year is a good time to do so.

When, then, is it time to end a friendship?

My rule of thumb is to release my peeps from duty when they no longer positively exist within the confines of my definition. For me, the key words are 'positively exist'. Those who no longer seem to be traveling parallel to me and my path aka the Yellow Brick Road are free to leave (or they kindly become acquainted with my voicemail and his girlfriend the Busy Signal). When I take my Tact Pills, I actually have a formal conversation with the newly free person, explaining to him/her that we're no longer compatible. But, in this fast paced world, who has time to be tactful? I guess I should add 'tact' to my 2010 New Year's Resolution list.

I have been very blessed to come across some very special people who transcend my definition. Little surprises, I call them, are always nice. These people help me realize that much like the Constitution/the Bible/Vogue Magazine, my definition is always open to interpretation. So, I suppose, that you should let go of someone when the limits of your definition buckle under the pressures of your relationship. If your respective definitions cannot be sustained within the walls of your relationship, then it's time to let go and move on.

As for the haters, they gets no love. They get one line in this post:
They hate. We love. We're incompatible. We let go of the incompatible.

Healthy friendships and relationships are one way in which we maintain our happiness. However, when your counting calories and making your treks to the gym and rocking that new hairdo and trying to hide that ugly and three-sizes too big sweater your Aunt May bought you for Christmas (sorry for personalizing on this one), take some time to evaluate your friendships and booships and booty-call-ships (if there is such a thing). It's still the top of the year, and any changes and new outlooks you wish to exercise and experience can still be titled as a New Year's Resolution. But, even if it takes you until June or November or January 2010 to clean out your friendship closet, change is change, past, present, and future. Make something happen. You'll be glad you did.

just being authentic...till next time!